i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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