wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
