Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.