Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
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OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
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On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.