He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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