His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
