I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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