I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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