my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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