Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
