We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
