I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
