Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i permit you to call me
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
