Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
