so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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