You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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