I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
