Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
