Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
