ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
