I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
