I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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