I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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