They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
