Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
