I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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