I'm sorry my penis didn't work
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
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