I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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