the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
