Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
