Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
