ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
