i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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