I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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