Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
