I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
