I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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