Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
