My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
