i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
