why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
