it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
In America we eat man semen.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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