omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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