I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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