Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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