somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
