my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
