How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
