The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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