Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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