the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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