The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
