Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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