matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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