I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
