he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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